The Trouble With TimeTurners
by DaBigToe
Summary: Parody-ing Galore! Featuring Bipolar!Lucius, Stalker!Snape, Playboy!Sirius and Love-triangled!James.
1. The Trip

"Harry! Harry! Wait up!" Hermione gasped, arms on knees panting. Harry and Ron stopped talking about Quidditch long enough to turn around and see Hermione on the floor rolling around clutching her stomach.  
  
"Hermione, you know how Mcgonagall gets when we're late." Said Harry sounding surprisingly like Hermione. Hermione gave him a sympathetic look and turned around to pick up her bag. The contents spilled out all over the floor, marbles, crackers, and a deck of playing cards were some of the few items that just happened to escape her Hogwarts bag. Hermione glared at all the items as if it were their fault.  
  
"Oh you two just go on ahead I'll be fine." Hermione trailed off and looked up only to find that the two were around the corner already. She packed all her things into her bag and quickly went down the stairs. completely forgetting that her next class was on the same floor she was on.  
  
Hermione struggled with her bag. Damn it was heavy. Curse Hogwarts for not having any paperback books. she thought bitterly. While thinking all this she failed to notice the puddle on the stair before her. How the puddle got there? The world may never know.  
  
"AHHHHHH!!" she screamed as she slipped down the stairs, but alas no one heard her. For classes were in session and everyone was listening aptly to their teachers. So Hermione screamed and screamed until finally, Remus Lupin awoken by the banshee noise, flopped out of bed to put, what he thought, was a dying animal to rest. What he found was not that terribly different. It was a seventh year girl with wild frizzy hair, flailing her arms around in midair. Not something you see everyday, but Remus wasn't surprised, he had after all seen Snape naked, but that is a different story for a different time.  
  
Hermione, who was a good 20 feet away from Remus landed in his arms, while still managing to scream her heart out. The judges who magically (as most things happen) appeared at the side of the room held up 10's on their cards and clapped enthusiastically. Remus jumped startled at the girl in his arms and then unceremoniously fell over. Hermione fell on top of him looking deeply into his eyes. Not once did it occur to her that she'd never seen the boy before or the fact that he resembled her old DaDa teacher. She could feel the heat rising in her body; it was almost too much to hold. She could smell her flesh burning off! Apparently Remus could too. They both looked down and saw that a small fire had started on Hermione's foot. She screamed and flailed her hands around. She heard someone screaming, "Stop! Drop! And Roll!" but she could not concentrate. Remus, who was standing off to the side abruptly realized he was a wizard and muttered a spell that splashed water all over her.  
  
And that was how James Potter found them a half an hour later. He glanced at the soaking wet girl and then at Remus who was still burning at the foot, he had amidst all the commotion forgot to put out his own fire. Hermione found her voice and decided to speak. But, Remus decided to speak first.  
  
"What are you doing here, Hermione?" he asked puzzled. Hermione was going to ask how he knew her name, but again someone interrupted her.  
  
"We should take her to Dumbledore" James said to Remus.  
  
"Yeah she took a nasty spill there" Remus replied.  
  
"Do you think we should wake up Padfoot?" James inquired. Hermione was agitated that they were holding a conversation while she was standing next to them soaking wet. They continued to talk in hushed whispers for some time until-  
  
"Uh, I'm standing right here" Hermione said impatiently tapping her foot against the floor. The boys glanced at her and turned back around to talk to each other.  
  
"Boys." she muttered continuing down the hall to Dumbledore's office. When she got there she was stumped as to what the password was.  
  
"Uh...Lemon drop? ." she tried and said other candies but it didn't work. Suddenly a dog-like figure bounded towards her.  
  
"Hullo Hermione, I was shagging a girl upstairs when I heard a commotion down here. Do you need some help?" He said jumping from foot to foot looking impatient.  
  
"Well I-" Started Hermione.  
  
"That's great I'd be more than willing to help!" He barked winking at her. He abruptly turned around and sprinted down the hall, banging into the wall a couple of times before he got it right. Hermione sniffled and let a lone tear roll down her cheek.  
  
"That's right Sirius, have fun while you still can" She whispered, while reminiscing.  
  
"Well then back to the task at hand" She exclaimed cheerily and bounded up the staircase to Dumbledore's office, not even questioning how it opened, as Sirius had forgotten to supply the correct password.  
  
She opened the door to see Dumbledore sitting in his chair looking OLD and WISE.  
  
"Hello" she said dully. She had remembered the school man-slut, Sirius Black had forgotten to ask her out or attempt to shag her, and so she was feeling miserable. Dumbledore looked at her and smiled. His eyes twinkled and Hermione got lost in them. They twinkled more and Hermione found she couldn't move. She collapsed to the floor in a seizure and started flailing her body about. Dumbledore watched with his WISE eyes that seemed to portray his every emotion. At this particular moment they showed he wanted a turkey sandwich, but that is aside from the point. Hermione calmed down considerably and jumped back into her chair. There was a pregnant pause, about 2 months along, until finally Dumbledore opened his mouth. "So, Ms. Granger I see you have joined us here in the past for a while" he said WISELY. He then turned towards a piece of paper and stared at it, and Hermione didn't question him for he was WISE.  
  
"Uh yeah I tripped over myself" at this she flushed "and then proceeded to fall down the MAGICAL staircase at Hogwarts" Dumbledore looked at her, his eyes filled with much knowledge and experience.  
  
"Are you sure Ms. Granger, that it didn't have anything to do with the broken time turner around your neck?" he asked.  
  
"Despite popular belief not everything in this godforsaken castle is magical, I mean they're stairs for Christ sake! What do you expect from them?" Dumbledore bawled. He straightened his robe and stood up.  
  
"Ms. Ganger you will find all of your belongings in the room you will share with some others including your best friends mother Lilly Pot-I mean Lilly Evans. And let me stress how important it is that you do not tell anyone about the future. For there will be dire consequences in such cases you do." He said while yawning and stretching.  
  
"One more question Professor Dumbledore. How come everyone knows my name?" Hermione asked. It had been bugging her the entire day. She looked down awkwardly at Dumbledore waiting for the answer.  
  
"Why my dear," he said obviously amused his eyes twinkling so much Hermione had to protect her own with her hand. "It says it right there on your chest"  
  
Hermione looked down and sure enough there was a little nametag reading Hermione Granger (Time-Traveler). Odd, but rather convenient she thought to herself while standing up getting ready to go to the door. As she was about to approach it she turned around to say goodbye.  
  
" Remember Ms. Granger In times of great trouble we turn to those around us, do not get to used to your surroundings." And with this he left the room with a sweep of his cloak, only to remember, as he was exiting his office, that it was indeed HIS office and turned back around looking expectantly at Hermione who ran past the door quickly. 


	2. The Molestation

Hermione strolled down the hall sluggishly taking in all the sights she hadn't noticed in her 5 years at Hogwarts. She was heading towards the great hall when a hand grabbed her mouth and dragged her into a room. Hermione tried to scream, but alas she had screamed too much earlier. The hand clamped over her mouth harder and pushed her against the wall.  
  
"Hermione," It hissed "I feel I am strangely attracted to your boyish temper and the fact that you stand up for what you believe in and therefore I will continue to stalk you around until you finally give me what I want." The voice murmured in her ear sending chills down her spine. The person lifted his hand off of her mouth and stared into her eyes.  
  
"Lucius Malfoy!" she gasped as realization dawned on her. "But. but. there was no evidence from any of the five books that you went to school during Harry's parents time!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Yes.Well," he coughed and strode past her out of the door looking suspicious. Hermione looked at the door for a while before realizing she was due for a nice subtle conversation with Harry's father in which she would reveal nothing about the past whatsoever.  
  
"Keep telling ureself' thet" Hagrid said as he stumbled past Hermione saying possibly the last thing he would ever say in this fanfic.  
  
Hermione walked up to the great hall to make her dramatic entrance. "BANG" she opened the doors with a loud resounding thud. The entire student body turned their attention to her.  
  
"Ahhh yes Ms. Ganger is joining us from an American school. I will kindly ask that you disregard the fact that she has no American accent whatsoever and instead embrace her." Dumbledore proclaimed enthusiastically, clapping his hands together.  
  
Hermione walked over taking in all of the whispering and sat down next to Sirius. The group looked unperturbed at the fact the new girl was sitting with them. Lilly came bouncing over as she saw Hermione and stood next to her.  
  
"Hermione you don't want to sit with theses boys, especially James here" she said pointedly glaring at him, as to ease sexual tension. The boys only then realized she was sitting next to them. They blinked, Hermione blinked. Hermione jumped up suddenly and ran over to the other end of the table, blushing all the while. The boys turned back around and started talking in hushed tones again, as if nothing had happened.  
  
Hermione sat down next to a girl with short sandy brown hair and a face like a pug. She presumed she was one of Lilly's friends as the girl was sitting near where Lilly was sitting previously. She presumed wrong.  
  
"Hi," Hermione exclaimed cheerily, turning to the girl, who in turn gave her an odd look. "I'm Hermione," she proclaimed sticking out her hand. The girl got up quickly and moved over to a different part of the table, alternating between giving Hermione weird looks and tripping over her own feet. Lilly walked over red in the face and sat down next to Hermione.  
  
"That Potter is such a GIT, GIT, GIT!" she screamed getting weird glances from some third years at the Hufflepuff table. She looked over at James again glaring at his whispering form.  
  
"Uh," Hermione started awkwardly "why don't you . er . introduce me to your friends."  
  
Lilly turned around flustered and apologized to Hermione. She twisted her body and looked at the three girls sitting across from her and looked at them expectantly. They blushed and greeted Lilly. The stout one with red hair decided to talk to Hermione first.  
  
"I'm Molly Weasley pleased to meet you," Molly said politely. Hermione looked startled for a second but calmed down, she had to stay impassive, so as to not change the future drastically.  
  
"I can't believe I'm meeting Ron's mother!" Hermione said distantly. She looked around to see the group staring at her.  
  
"Uh. did I say that out loud?" she asked worried. They nodded in union. "Damn it, third time this week". So much for keeping a low profile. 'Maybe I can take away their memories or-'. BANG, someone knocked her over sending her crashing to the floor, even though she was sitting. She looked up from the floor to see the last person she would ever want to see in her current position.  
  
LUCIUS MALFOY! Well okay so it wasn't that big of a deal. But there he was standing over her body with one eyebrow raised so high it went into his hair.  
  
"I . uh . like your shoes" she stated, her voice wavering.  
  
"I would say the same for you, except you seem to not be wearing any," Lucius replied coolly pointing at her bare feet. Hermione looked at her feet, they were in fact bare. He looked like he was going to say something else but decided against it and knelt down.  
  
"Stupid MUDBLOOD, tripping on her DIRTY feet," he screamed, looking over the various tables to the Slytherin table where most of his classmates were nodding their heads in approval. Hermione promptly burst into tears and watched Lu- Malfoy walk away. She sniffled and sat back in her seat. One of the girls, who looked oddly familiar, looked at Hermione and smiled.  
  
"I'm Sarah Granger, pleased to meet you," she said and smiled. Hermione smiled back, and then did a double take.  
  
"WHAT?!" she screamed rubbing her sore neck. Sarah's face darkened, she obviously didn't like repeating things. She told Hermione again.  
  
"I heard you, you dolt!" she whispered fervently. "But, this is a parody of me going back in time, not me turning out to actually be a pure-blooded witch and/or the daughter of Voldemort!" she exclaimed. Sarah's expression turned to one of horror as she quickly got up.  
  
"Terribly sorry dear, hope to see you soon" and with that she left the Great Hall to god-knows-where. Hermione looked down and slowly shook her head.  
  
"Well that sure was interesting," Lilly said. "Shall I introduce you to the notorious Marauders?"  
  
OHHHH CLIFIEEE! Okay not really but you can still act excited anyway. REVIEW!!! 


	3. The Rescue

Harry Potter sat in Potions class, shifting uneasily in his seat. He knew he had forgotten something, almost like a remembrall in his head was going off. He glanced sideways at his best friend, Ron Weasely, who was currently sniffing a suspicious green spot on his hand with interest. What on earth could he have forgotten? And how on earth was he going to complete his potion without Herm-?   
  
"Oh shit," Harry Potter said loudly, drawing the attention of the entire class.   
  
'   
  
Hermione glanced back again at Sirius Black, who was flashing his award winning smile at her, full force. Lilly was prattling on about how if she had a son who would one day save the world from an evil dark lord at the age of one, she would name him Harry, because the name Harry Potter, had such a kinky ring to it. Lilly noticed her friends attention drifting and jumped up in the air, with such ferocity it made two nearby first year Gryffindors burst into hysterics, mumbling about ghosts and blond haired aristocrats, who acted as if they were the scariest things alive.   
  
"Come on Hermione," she exclaimed, "I want you to meet... er ... Peter Pettigrew!"   
  
Hermione let loose a little squeak and was dragged away by an exuberant Lilly, who looked as though she were about to explode.   
  
"Hermione, I'm going to tell you right now that Peter isn't a very pretty sight," Lilly explained, "He looks like a rat, squeaks like a rat, and I really don't like him."   
  
"All right," said Hermione, a little confused at this point. She didn't really want to see Peter; the last time she saw him he was running across the fields of Hogwarts, to report to Voldemort and take part in his resurrection, which was not at all something Hermione wanted to have to think about.   
  
Suddenly the pair stopped. James, Remus, Sirius and Peter had all gotten up and were laughing hysterically at the Slytherin table. All of the occupants of said table had glowing pink hair and were glancing at the Gryffindors with disgust evident in their eyes. The Gryffindor table sighed as a whole at the antics of the marauders and turned back to their meals.   
  
Hermione, reminding us of the fact that she couldn't concentrate on one thing for more than 30 seconds at a time, was now staring with rapt attention at a ball of yarn, that had been sitting pensively on the floor. Hermione guided her attention (with help from an appropriately placed yellow ducky) to Lilly and James Pot- .... er .... not-Potter, who were now fighting with such ferocity that you would have thought they had rabies and such. Peter, who did in fact have rabies, was foaming at the mouth and a nibbling on a fourth-year Ravenclaw (because all that smartness, makes for a VERY healthy diet). Hermione picked up the ball of yarn from the floor and clutched it close to her chest, as if to protect it from the evils of the world. 'No Hermione, you can't protect him forever,' whispered Hermione's schizophrenic friend 'Bob', the tiny man who lived in her ear and told her to burn things.   
  
Oooooookay, moving on now....   
  
Hermione stared vacantly at the ceiling as she went over what had just happend in her mind.   
  
Flash-back (For the purpose of showing how writers CAN put flash-backs randomly in scenes without even needing them.)   
  
Hermione was sitting in the library researching. She propped up a book and stuck her nose into it, reading lines at 50 words a second. She sighed and shut the book placing her head down on her arms on the table. There was NO way to do it, you simply could not make a cat clean his own fecies. She glanced over warily at the boy sitting across from her: Severus Snape. He had been watching her for more than an hour, subtly (or so he thought) glancing over at her when he thought she wasn't looking. Hermione glared at him and plucked up her bag and went out the door. Apparently, Snape had managed to pull off being more creepy than he was when he was older.   
  
"Ah, my dear sweet love, you have come to see me have you?" Lucius Malfoy asked, his voice sending chills down Hermiones spine. And not the good kind either. She froze with shock and terror and slowly lifted her head to meet the steel gray eyes of the death-eater-in-training. He was grinning at her in sort of a manic way, consequently making Hermione move backwards in fear of her life.   
  
"Ah, I see my sweet," he continued with a glint in his eye, which Hermione could only describe as a manifestation of bipolar disorder, characterized by profuse and rapidly changing ideas, exaggerated sexuality and excessive intense desire (definition provided by The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company).   
  
"You must be blinded by my stunningly handsome features." He finished by striking a rather Lockhart looking pose and pulled out a mirror from virtually no where. Hermione decided this was going to be a long day.   
  
Meanwhile in an undisclosed location...   
  
"Massster our plan is working"   
  
"Huh? What plan are you talking about Wormtail?"   
  
"SHHHH! You're not supposed to reveal my name you idiot! It gives away the misty nature of the conversation."   
  
"Oh?"   
  
"Yes, this is the interlude in which we learn that Peter Pettigrew is indeed working for Voldemort, and that even though everyone already knows that, the author must find way to create suspense in an overused story"   
  
"Indeed?"   
  
"YES!"   
  
"Wormtail, you're idiocy surprises me, in fact I believe this display is even more atrocious than yesterday, when you told me I couldn't wear red; that it clashed horribly with my eyes. CRUCIO!"   
  
Hermione was backed against a wall, with Lucius's hands on either side of her head. She was white and praying with every ounce of her soul that someone would save her. She prayed to god (because naturally all good witches are Christians) that he would save her this once, and that if he did she would never ever put glue in Snape's shoes again, so that when he tried to get them off they would be stuck to his feet. Lucius started leaning towards her and Hermione knew it was the end.   
  
"UNHAND HER YOU...you....you," yelled a mysterious voice.   
  
Hermione was filled with joy, she had a hero, though slightly incoherent, but a hero none-the-less.   
  
"YOU BLOND!" He yelled and that was all it took for Lucius to scamper away. Hermione fell into the hands of her hero. Actually she made it about half way before collapsing to the floor. 


	4. The Freaky Deaky Hospital Scene

Harry Potter, current residence of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, considered himself sane, thank you very much. When Harry learned, however, that his best friend had traveled to the past via a time-turner, he was sorely enraged to say the least, and thought Dumbledore was at the brink of insanity. He couldn't seem to put the information together. He was sitting in a lumpy chair in Dumbledore's office at the moment, said Head Master seated across from him. Harry closed his eyes and counted backwards from ten, repeating to himself, almost as his very own mantra, that killing Dumbledore would not help the situation, but would probably make it worse. His other, redder-haired friend, Ron was sitting next to him pale and shaking a bit.  
  
"So boys," Dumbledore went on cheerfully, as if giving off an air of normalcy, trying to sound as if bushy-haired girls fell down staircases every day and traveled to the past.  
  
"Since Ms.Granger is ...erm... away for now, I will have to ask that you collect her homework and such. Oh, yes and make sure you don't mention this to anyone. It wouldn't do to have it going around school that I let another one slip out of my grasp." He said the last part almost to himself.  
  
"So you expect us to just go to classes and act as if nothing has happened?" Ron said incredulously.  
  
"Yes, you've got it. Lemon drop?" He questioned cheerfully, in the eccentric way only Dumbledore could.  
  
Ron glared.

* * *

Hermione heard voices, and from her semiconscious state of mind it sounded as though someone were singing. How absurd, Hermione thought, that someone should be singing a sonnet as I wake up from my nap. Contrariwise, the author thought it was best if she didn't continue reading Alice In Wonderland.  
  
Hermione opened her eyes and saw a most particular sight above her: Sirius Black putting on a striptease show for a younger, Poppy Pomfrey. Sirius was in the middle of slowly taking off his button down shirt, when Lucius Malfoy accompanied by Severus Snape, burst though the door. Lucius strode through the room, while Snape stood entranced, staring at Sirius Black. Sirius leveled him a glare, took up his wrist watch, which was carelessly thrown to the floor seconds earlier and dragged a squealing Pomfrey through the doors of the Hospital Wing. Apparently, the nurse was the only person in the school Sirius hadn't shagged, aside from a few select Slytherins, ranging from greasy-haired-stalkery Snape to rhino-looking Bulstrode. Sirius, Hermione thought, was a horribly depraved boy, not to be confused with deprived, as Sirius was morally corrupt and not deprived of fully enjoying his shagging sessions, consensual or not.  
  
Lucius approached Hermione, with not-so-platonic thoughts in his mind. James Potter though, who was at her side (Hermione hadn't noticed whilst the salacious atmosphere around her was going about, James had snuck in), jumped up and raised his saber glaring at Lucius as though he were Lucifer himself, which could be the case as their names were so alike.  
  
"James, put down the sword. Remember what happened the last time you used that thing?" Remus questioned, coming out from the shadows in which he was hiding, creating a suspicious look about him, not that he had anything to hide of course cough cough.  
  
"I don't recall, Remus. And this is a SABER and I think you should call it such. In fact, I believe you have offended Winkles and you should apologize for degrading him," stated James angrily, as Remus shot him a bemused glance.  
  
"Ah, Potter put down that sword before you put an eye out. I believe it wise to listen to your wolf-friend, in this instance." Lucius declared haughtily. James gave him a glare so intense Voldemort would have hesitated for a second before crucioing him to hell.  
  
"Get off you're high horse, Malfoy. We don't need your lot in here." James said, angered at the fact both Snape and Lucius knew about Remus.  
  
"Oh, what a wonderful day it is, when I can spend time with mud-blood loving Gryffindors and listen to their wistful idioms," Lucius spat sarcastically. "Why don't you and you're Werewolf lover go find a broom closet and shag?"  
  
That was the last straw for James, as he flung himself at Lucius and grasped him firmly by the neck. Hermione sighed, it was indeed going to be a long day.

* * *

"Okay Ron, now just,...yeah that's it right there.." Harry exclaimed, dropping to his knees in front of the bushy figure. It had bushy hair, a stick like figure and an exasperated expression, but it just wasn't the same. Ron kneeled in front of the broom and shook the wild mane of hay they had stuck to the top of it.  
  
"Harry, I know you miss Hermione, but dressing up this broomstick isn't helping our cause." Ron stated logically to Harry, who was making "Hermione" sweep up a box of spilt cookies on the floor. Ron gave Harry a patronizing glance before sighing and leaving the room to spend the rest of the day setting up a Hermione shrine, which he had previously planned to make with assorted sticks and Snape's genital hair. Harry watched Ron stalk out of the room and then continued working on his "Hermione".

* * *

Hermione was wandering the halls aimlessly, a past time she felt she had started to love ever since she had come to the past. It seemed to be, because of the fact that Voldemort wasn't around as much in this time, even though everyone always referred to it as the darkest time, that strolling around the halls came naturally to Hermione. So, on this lovely-wait, what day was it again? Well...er...on this lovely, lets say, oh I don't know, Friday, Hermione was walking, in a daze down the hallways of Hogwarts, even though everyone would likely be suspicious that this new comer knew her way around Hogwarts perfectly. Hermione was thinking about how lovely it was that she didn't have to spend a day with whiney Harry, who would constantly complain over the loss of his dead parents and the evil dark lord who was trying to kill him, oblivious Ron, who just couldn't see that red heads weren't her type because of a freak circus accident, which involved a rouge clown and a couple of green-haired midgets, and finally, Voldemort, the evil dark lord, who thought it would be trendy to cliche-edly follow the path of every other evil villain who had suffered from an abusive childhood, and an emotionally abusive father. She was wondering where that red-eyed freak was at this very moment, probably biding his time, until he could eventually come out of hiding, to attempt to ....sigh...take over the world again. He really was an evil-  
  
"Hullo, there," said a mysterious voice, a voice that seemed incredibly snake like, a voice which one could compare with a viper or a python or-Voldemort! How ironic, thought a small suspicious looking rat sitting on the floor in the shadows, where none could see his black, black soul. Hermione jumped around in a move worthy of a low budget movie about the dangers of chain smoking and ran towards the sound of the voice. Hermione thought this was the logical thing to do, as all the young woman in scary movies all did the same, right before suffering a gruesome, horrible death. A tall man stepped out of the shadows. He had untamable black hair, bright black eyes and a copy of _Singing Solicitous Songs With Sally_ in his right hand.  
  
"My names Dourl Riddle," he said pleasantly. Hermione looked confused.  
  
"Dourl? What kind of name is that?" She asked.  
  
"Oh, well, my father is into some kinky stuff, including some freaky anagram thing he does with his name. So, naturally, when I was born he decided to make my name one too. See Dourl Riddle changes into Lord Lurid'de." He explained casually, wiping his fingers across his vest, as if trying to get rid of invisible dust.  
  
"So, does that mean you're lurid?" she asked dumbfounded.  
  
"Oh no, father got a bit lazy after having to name all of the children he had as a product of brutal rape of various muggles," he replied calmly, "I was one of his favorites though, so he put more effort into not making my name out to be something stupid like Tonic, which is incidentally the name of my brother. Anagrams are very hard to make you know."  
  
Hermione walked away and tried to pretend the entire event had never happened. 


	5. The Second Molestation

Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world, the boy who lived, if you will, was quite pleased with himself. He had managed, despite clichéd clichédness, to have his own very private scene in the middle of a purely Hermione fan fiction. And it turned out, it was not a scene in which he was racing around the room desperately with Ron, arguing and sobbing in Dumbledores office, or having a strangely relevant dream. In fact, Harry was at the moment reading a very interesting book which had nothing at all to do with Hermiones current situation. The book was getting better by the minute. Now what was it about again? Harry flipped the book over and stared dully at the cover "How To Save Your Friend Who Was Sucked Into the Past" by William Longhorn. Harry was doomed.

* * *

"What? Where the hell are we?" Hermione screamed as she woke up with a minor concussion staring at the blurred head of Sirius Black. Black smirked and grabbed the back of Hermiones head roughly and pulled her into a wet, sloppy kiss. Hermione was mortified and stood up quickly. She glanced around the room, face red, cheeks pronounced and glanced back at the now weeping Sirius.

"I just (sob) wanted you to (sob) like me," he ,well, sobbed to Hermione.

Hermione considered cutting off his genitallia before realizing this was the perfect opportunity to …er… do something important and vital to the plot. She swooped down on Sirius and pulled him into her for some Hetero snogging, Sirius/Remus fans cried themselves to sleep that night.

* * *

"Master, the Granger girl is falling into our trap," a snide, rat like voice cut through the dreary dungeons in a castle far, far away.

Voldemort looked up from filing his nails.

"What are you on about now Pettigrew?" Voldemort said irritably. He furrowed his eye- the …er… Place where his eyebrows once were.

"How could you forget! I've spent weeks thinking up this plan!" The rat voice was bordering on histarics and the snake-like godly figure glanced up from his perfectly manicured fingers to glare at him.

"Crucio." He replied in the tired, bored voice only he could perfect.

* * *

"And, and she took advantage of me! Right after I had knocked her unconscious too. The nerve," Remus listened sympathetically to ALL of Sirius ramblings, feigning interest until Sirius either got bored or passed out.

Hermione thought this a good time as any to enter into the room. Unfortunately for her she banged into someone… or something, big and warm. She looked up only to see…James!

"James!" Hermione exclaimed with as much enthusiasm as possible. She then passed out, something Hermione tends to do a lot.

* * *

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT…

Draco Malfoy doing a hula dance.

AND NOW BACK TO THE STORY.

* * *

"Didn't something just…happen?" Hermione wondered as she heard a wolf howl in the distance. A strained sort of repressed howl, exactly like the one she had heard in third year. Hermione made all the connections immediately. Lupin… sounds like shooting…shooting with guns… guns kill…And just like that Hermione lost it. Damn… She heard the howl and chased after it. Into the forest, the forest with giant man-eating spiders, dangerous creatures and … bunny rabbits. Hermione passed two rabbits and managed to kill both before making her way in front of the Womping Willow. She entered inside the tree, only to find…

**CLIFFHANGER BARHGGG**


	6. A Brief Interlude

Ahhhh… The classic Multi-Point-of-View chapter… Brings back such fond memories. And uh… warning, due to all the relationships, or lack thereof, there will be a hella lotta point o' view switching.

* * *

James was snogging his girlfriend Lilly Somethingorother. He and Lilly were quite smitten with each other, in fact, James was even willing to disclose information to certain third parties concerning their sexual escapades, yes life was good. But then that little Hermione bint came along and screwed everything up. He was, for lack of better words, love triangled. Fortunately, for him Lilly happened to be a complete and total air-head who had no idea what was going on half of the time. James blamed it on the drug experimentation stage she had gone through after breaking up with her one-time-stand Sirius Black. James kissed Lilly, whilst picturing her to be Hermione. Ahhh… the joys of unrequited love.

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Sirius was in a particularly horrible situation. He struggled on his pants as he sheepishly smiled at the 2nd year Hufflepuff. She glared at him.

"If I had known," she began snottily, "That you wouldn't be able to get it up, I would never have asked my friends to kill themselves to get you to notice me." She then left the room, stomping and slamming the door on the way out.

Sirius couldn't figure out what was wrong with his body, nowadays he could only react to professional voyeurism and watching Hermione in the showers. He was a sex god, god damn it! He was not supposed to fall-… in love.

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Lucius was huddled in a ball in the corner of his room.He was "internally battling" as they call it so fondly in darkfics. He had a destiny! He was to spend most of his life in either Azkaban or kneeling at the feet of the dark lord. He could not fall in love with a Mudblood. Lower than scum they were, arg, Lucius thought bitterly as tears swept down his face. Why? Why? WHY?

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Remus was sitting on the couch, battling his own demons. Well, okay, he was eating a sandwich whilst doing so. Apparently, despite cannon evidence Remus had a dark, dark past. He chewed thoughtfully on his Sandwich and remembered all the times he had bitten and clawed himself, how many times he had feared for the lives of others, how many times he had woken up in a drunken daze surrounded by his naked dorm mates. Yes, Remus had an extremely hard life, and he knew he was only going to be segregated more because of his extreme new-found dislike for Hermione. His wolf senses informed him tomorrow would be cloudy with a slight chance of rain and that Hermione was some to suspect… someone, dare he say it…evil?

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Peter, who had previously been forgotten in the story while the author picked more handsome, available light-sided characters to manipulate. Of course we can all assume ol' worm tail had been reporting to Voldemort regularly, and too, to his gynecologist, Frank. Peter ambled down the stairs to breakfast and fell, breaking his legs, only left to weep bitterly in the wake of the deserted corridor. 


End file.
